The weather forecast:
Tomorrow will be muggy, followed by tueggy and weggy.

-- unknown

PETER: I think I read about that in a book somewhere.
BRIAN: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?

-- "Family Guy"

Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day, but set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

-- unknown

Customer: A coffee without cream, please.
Waiter: I'm sorry, we're out of cream, would you like it without milk instead?

-- unknown

Great people talk about ideas; ordinary people talk about things; small-minded people talk about other people.

-- unknown

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

-- unknown

What did you bring that book that I don't like to be read to out of up for?

-- unknown (never end a sentence with five prepositions)

Can the cabinet have the bench table a motion when the chair has the floor? And why are we being governed by furniture?

-- my paraphrasing of an unknown comic

I hate it when my foot goes to sleep in the middle of the day because then it stays up all night.

-- Steven Wright

John Cage: 7'53" (extended dance remix)

-- unknown

Art is I; science is we.

-- Claude Bernard (1813-78)

KERMIT [navigating]: Fozzie! Bear left!
FOZZIE [driving]: Right, frog!

-- "The Muppet Movie"

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

-- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

-- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"

You are the river
I am the sea
Irresistibly you come to me
I hate my parents

-- Margaret Smith, poem written at age 13

Overheard in the year 1 A.D.: "Damn! Here it is February and I'm still writing '0' on my cheques."

Frisbeeterianism, n.: Worship of Frisbees. Doctrine teaches that when you die, your soul goes on top of the garage and you can't get it down.

Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. In the morning I looked in the pantry and discovered that my giant marshmallow was gone.

-- David Letterman

The optimist says, "The glass is half full". The pessimist says, "Yeah, the glass is half full but I'll probably die of bowel cancer."

-- Unknown

An alligator is a much faster swimmer than a human, and can also outrun us on land. So if you ever enter a triathlon against an alligator, you'd better build up a huge lead in the bicycling.

-- Unknown

I spent ninety percent of my money on wine, women and song and just wasted the other ten percent.

-- Ronnie Hawkins

The total amount of suffering per year in the natural world is beyond all decent contemplation. During the minute that it takes me to compose this sentence, thousands of animals are being eaten alive, many others are running for their lives, whimpering with fear, others are slowly being devoured from within by rasping parasites, thousands of all kinds are dying of starvation, thirst, and disease. It must be so. If there ever is a time of plenty, this very fact will automatically lead to an increase in the population until the natural state of starvation and misery is restored. In a universe of electrons and selfish genes, blind physical forces and genetic replication, some people are going to get hurt, other people are going to get lucky, and you won't find any rhyme or reason in it, nor any justice. The universe that we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but pitiless indifference.

-- Richard Dawkins